**There are reasons we fear the night. He isn't one of them.**
Bill Ryder was a dateless dweeb...then he died. Unfortunately for him that was just the beginning of his troubles. He awoke to find himself a vampire, one of the legendary predators of the night. Sadly, fangs or not, he was still at the bottom of the food chain.
Now he finds himself surrounded by creatures stronger, deadlier and a whole lot cooler than he is. Worst yet, they all want him dead...permanently this time.
Bill isn't exactly average, though. A vampire like him hasn't been seen in centuries. He's got a few tricks up his sleeve, unlikely allies, and an attitude problem that makes him too damn obnoxious to quit.
Join him in this hilarious tale of monsters, mayhem, and the unlikely hero who's not afraid to tell them all off...even if it gets his teeth kicked in.
* * *
Bill the Vampire (the Tome of Bill, part 1) is 80k words of foul-mouthed horror comedy by Rick Gualtieri, author of Scary Dead Things (The Tome of Bill, part 2) and Bigfoot Hunters.
### Review
"*Many times, I found myself smiling if not outright chuckling at the witty one-liners that his characters presented as well as the situations that they found themselves in as the story unfolded.*" - Examiner.com
### From the Author
Welcome to the *Tome of Bill* series - an urban fantasy world aimed at bringing the vampire genre back from the dark brooding crypt it's slept in these past several years. It's time to make the undead fun again.
This is the story of Bill Ryder, a wise-cracking, D&D playing programmer who, much to his dismay, learns firsthand that vampires and other monsters are real. There's just one problem: despite the danger, he can't bring himself to take the supernatural world all that seriously. Action, adventure and lots of politically incorrect laughs follow him at he traverses the dark underworld of these bloodthirsty immortals.
Writing these books puts a huge smile on my face. I sincerely hope you have as much fun reading them.
The Tome of Bill currently includes:
**Bill the Vampire** (book 1)
**Scary Dead Things** (book 2)
**The Mourning Woods** (book 3)
**Holier Than Thou **(book 4)
**Sunset Strip**: A Tale From The Tome Of Bill
**Goddamned Freaky Monsters** (book 5)
**Half-a-Prayer** (book 6)
**The Tome of Bill Compendium** (vol 1) - Books 1-4 of the series in one collection for those who wish to follow the adventure and save a few bucks in the process.
* * *
***6 Tips for Avoiding a Vampire Attack from Rick Gualtieri***
Being seduced by a beautiful immortal makes for pretty good fantasy, but let's face facts: actually getting your throat torn thrown out by a ravenous creature of the night would probably suck big time - pun fully intended. Here are my tips for avoiding a gruesome fate at the hands of the undead.
** 1: Avoid being where vampires are**
Yeah, that might sound obvious, but you need to cover your bases first if you're gonna live to see your next sunrise. This means staying away from old castles, spooky forests, and villages where they fork the sign of the evil eye at strangers before boarding up their cottages for the night. Note: this shouldn't be confused with avoiding Goth clubs or other places where the patronage are sporting bad capes and false fangs. Those places should be avoided as well, mind you, but for entirely different reasons.
**2: Carry a vampire slaying kit**
Much like burglars will avoid a house guarded by a Doberman named Grimlock, most vampires would likewise prefer an easy meal as opposed to someone armed to the teeth with weaponry that would make Buffy Summers weep with joy. Some items to never leave home without: Stakes - both wooden and silver, crucifix, holy water, crossbow, machete, and a heavy caliber gun with silver bullets (also handy for werewolves).
**3: Wait, won't most of that stuff get me arrested?**
Probably, but ask yourself what's worse: a few nights in jail followed by a psych evaluation, or an eternity of servitude to the forces of darkness? Yeah, I thought so. So either man up or just pour some barbeque sauce on your neck and get it over with.
**4: Don't rely on garlic**
Unless you're a chef, in which case use as much garlic as you want. For the rest of us, though, garlic is iffy at best as a vampire deterrent. It might ward off some, but others might just take it for later use in a marinara sauce and then just bite you anyway. Also, walking around with cloves of garlic hanging from your neck is a good way for ensuring you get ignored by everyone except maybe the vampires chasing you.
**5: Running water is a fool's errand**
Sure, if you're on one side of the English Channel and a vamp is on the other, the odds are in your favor. Small streams, creeks, and/or swimming pools aren't gonna do much, though, outside of maybe getting a vampire wet - which will only tick them off and lead to a beating before they sink their fangs in. There's no point in adding insult to injury.
**6: Only go out during the day**
Don't let your friends fool you. They may be out having all sorts of fun at parties, clubs, concerts and the like, but you'll have the last laugh as you sit locked up tight in your home after sundown, surrounded by anti-vamp paraphernalia. Yeah, a member of the opposite sex might occasionally insist that you take them out to a late dinner or a movie, but don't be fooled. They may very well be thralls, hoping to lure you to a messy doom at the hands of their filthy vampire masters. Trust no one. The undead are everywhere.
Description:
**There are reasons we fear the night. He isn't one of them.** Bill Ryder was a dateless dweeb...then he died. Unfortunately for him that was just the beginning of his troubles. He awoke to find himself a vampire, one of the legendary predators of the night. Sadly, fangs or not, he was still at the bottom of the food chain. Now he finds himself surrounded by creatures stronger, deadlier and a whole lot cooler than he is. Worst yet, they all want him dead...permanently this time. Bill isn't exactly average, though. A vampire like him hasn't been seen in centuries. He's got a few tricks up his sleeve, unlikely allies, and an attitude problem that makes him too damn obnoxious to quit. Join him in this hilarious tale of monsters, mayhem, and the unlikely hero who's not afraid to tell them all off...even if it gets his teeth kicked in. * * * Bill the Vampire (the Tome of Bill, part 1) is 80k words of foul-mouthed horror comedy by Rick Gualtieri, author of Scary Dead Things (The Tome of Bill, part 2) and Bigfoot Hunters. ### Review "*Many times, I found myself smiling if not outright chuckling at the witty one-liners that his characters presented as well as the situations that they found themselves in as the story unfolded.*" - Examiner.com ### From the Author Welcome to the *Tome of Bill* series - an urban fantasy world aimed at bringing the vampire genre back from the dark brooding crypt it's slept in these past several years. It's time to make the undead fun again. This is the story of Bill Ryder, a wise-cracking, D&D playing programmer who, much to his dismay, learns firsthand that vampires and other monsters are real. There's just one problem: despite the danger, he can't bring himself to take the supernatural world all that seriously. Action, adventure and lots of politically incorrect laughs follow him at he traverses the dark underworld of these bloodthirsty immortals. Writing these books puts a huge smile on my face. I sincerely hope you have as much fun reading them. The Tome of Bill currently includes: **Bill the Vampire** (book 1) **Scary Dead Things** (book 2) **The Mourning Woods** (book 3) **Holier Than Thou **(book 4) **Sunset Strip**: A Tale From The Tome Of Bill **Goddamned Freaky Monsters** (book 5) **Half-a-Prayer** (book 6) **The Tome of Bill Compendium** (vol 1) - Books 1-4 of the series in one collection for those who wish to follow the adventure and save a few bucks in the process. * * * ***6 Tips for Avoiding a Vampire Attack from Rick Gualtieri*** Being seduced by a beautiful immortal makes for pretty good fantasy, but let's face facts: actually getting your throat torn thrown out by a ravenous creature of the night would probably suck big time - pun fully intended. Here are my tips for avoiding a gruesome fate at the hands of the undead. ** 1: Avoid being where vampires are** Yeah, that might sound obvious, but you need to cover your bases first if you're gonna live to see your next sunrise. This means staying away from old castles, spooky forests, and villages where they fork the sign of the evil eye at strangers before boarding up their cottages for the night. Note: this shouldn't be confused with avoiding Goth clubs or other places where the patronage are sporting bad capes and false fangs. Those places should be avoided as well, mind you, but for entirely different reasons. **2: Carry a vampire slaying kit** Much like burglars will avoid a house guarded by a Doberman named Grimlock, most vampires would likewise prefer an easy meal as opposed to someone armed to the teeth with weaponry that would make Buffy Summers weep with joy. Some items to never leave home without: Stakes - both wooden and silver, crucifix, holy water, crossbow, machete, and a heavy caliber gun with silver bullets (also handy for werewolves). **3: Wait, won't most of that stuff get me arrested?** Probably, but ask yourself what's worse: a few nights in jail followed by a psych evaluation, or an eternity of servitude to the forces of darkness? Yeah, I thought so. So either man up or just pour some barbeque sauce on your neck and get it over with. **4: Don't rely on garlic** Unless you're a chef, in which case use as much garlic as you want. For the rest of us, though, garlic is iffy at best as a vampire deterrent. It might ward off some, but others might just take it for later use in a marinara sauce and then just bite you anyway. Also, walking around with cloves of garlic hanging from your neck is a good way for ensuring you get ignored by everyone except maybe the vampires chasing you. **5: Running water is a fool's errand** Sure, if you're on one side of the English Channel and a vamp is on the other, the odds are in your favor. Small streams, creeks, and/or swimming pools aren't gonna do much, though, outside of maybe getting a vampire wet - which will only tick them off and lead to a beating before they sink their fangs in. There's no point in adding insult to injury. **6: Only go out during the day** Don't let your friends fool you. They may be out having all sorts of fun at parties, clubs, concerts and the like, but you'll have the last laugh as you sit locked up tight in your home after sundown, surrounded by anti-vamp paraphernalia. Yeah, a member of the opposite sex might occasionally insist that you take them out to a late dinner or a movie, but don't be fooled. They may very well be thralls, hoping to lure you to a messy doom at the hands of their filthy vampire masters. Trust no one. The undead are everywhere.